This is personal, so personal that my tummy is in knots as I write this and hitting the publish button will likely require a bottle of wine.
I’m not sure if you have noticed the radio silence on our social media. It’s literally been crickets out there and here is the story as to why.
Many of you know me as Natasha, the slightly quirky, kinda fun, fitness instructor that pushes you hard and still leaves you with enough energy to cook dinner for your family at the end of the day (albeit with shaky arms).
I am still her, yet I seem to be living in a much different package these days; a slightly heavier, more expensive to ship, package.
I know that gaining a little bit of weight is not a really great reason to stop posting. I could not bring myself to write as the expert I claim to be while my pants are cutting the circulation off to my head.
The truth is that I have gained more than a ‘little weight’ and while I am one of those people that is proud of every body at every size, this is getting way out of hand and actually a little scary. I find day-to-day living very uncomfortable and I just don’t feel like that quirky, fun, instructor I used to be.
Well, this morning I jumped on a scale. I know what you’re thinking ‘why the &*%$’ did you do that?’. I can only describe that fateful walk to the scale as a loss of consciousness or perhaps an evil spell created by the scale manufacturers. Even as I walked towards it I was thinking ‘This is not right’ and for some reason I did it anyway. That stupid red needle shot up 10 pounds PAST where I was before I gave birth to my daughter……..*insert jaw drop here*.
To give you some perspective, here is a photo of me 9 months pregnant:
So what happened?
Here is what I think happened – it certainly feels like a blur. Many of you know I’m a success story (snicker). The reason I am a fitness instructor today is because I worked my little tail off to lose 70 pounds and stay my goal weight for nearly 7 years. I know my shit, I know fitness, and I actually love it. Somewhere between the strict ‘calories in vs. calories out’ and the very structured fitness regime I gave birth to my daughter and my priorities changed.
I didn’t want to focus all my energy on my weight anymore, I didn’t want to feel anxious about everything I ate, and binge when I make a mistake. I wanted to enjoy life and enjoy my daughter, not only that, I wanted to eat cake and drink loads of coffee. I was tired, holly hell was I tired. I had very little support (none actually….should I make that into a movie?) most of my family and friends live in another city. My daughter woke up a trillion times a night, still does, and all I wanted to eat was the entire Starbucks menu.
Then the worst happened – ok, so that isn’t the worst ever, it definitely felt like it at the time though (you know, relativity and all that jazz). Anyway, the worst happened, my husband was relocated to Vancouver – about 4000km from my current city. What was once no support became negative support followed by intense loneliness and the loss of the job I love more than anything (working with you gals). Not only that but running a business remotely while raising my little one became too much for me.
So I did what I do best, I ate. And now, I am the size of two people – or at least a woman with a baby or two on board.
Don’t get me wrong, this is not ALL about my weight – a whole lot of it is though. I wish I could be one of those women who is happy regardless of her size, but I’m not. So much of my identity is wrapped up in being fit, which is why I could no longer bring myself to post anything with integrity.
Inside my head is an epic battle between the need be my fighting weight and just having a happy/healthy lifestyle that makes room for balance. I truly just want to be happy as I am, extra weight and all, but I also want to be healthy, and right now I am neither.
Gone are the days where I log everything I eat and spend countless hours at the gym. I can’t do that, it’s not my thing, and like I said, my priorities have changed. There is a young girl who looks up to me now, and she is counting on me to how her a healthy/fit woman, one that is not obsessed about her muffin top or every ounce of food she puts in her mouth. A woman that feels good in her body because she treats it right, not because is looks a certain way.
So, I am going to call in the big guns (she actually has big guns) and ask for help. Yup, I am actually going to follow the advice I have once given you, and ask for help.
Enter Paluna, a Baby & Me instructor and very close friend for nearly a decade. She is also a Nike trainer, weight lifter, and an expert when it comes to nutrition. This is not a shameless plug for Paluna, we are not attempting to create some sort of program for women just like me. Nope, I called her and hired her to keep me accountable to my food intake, without losing my mind over it. She thankfully has agreed to this enormous task (pardon the pun).
Ok, that was low, even for me.
Moving on. The next time I write a blog post I will be ½ way towards my goal weight. I’m kidding, I will at least have a plan, and that is a step in the right direction. It is at least a step I wasn’t willing to take last year (or sadly, the year before that).
Where is my before picture you ask? Not ready for that yet.